Holy shit I'm 40!

I turned 40 on July 25 and wanted to write a captivating blog discussing my transition to the next decade. I was going to reflect on all that I've learned and all that I still wanted to become.  It was going to be epic. When I started chronologically looking at my life, dividing it up by decades, I realized.....so what? I still don't know shit, and I scrapped the entire idea.

But, the truth is, I do have a ton of thoughts that I want to discuss with people. I'm hungry to share and take in and learn. Hence, my new endeavor into blogging.

So being a few weeks into my 40s, what have I learned? One thing has been sticking with me and seems to come up over and over. "I don't care what you think."

This is not meant to be some sociopath's stance I'm taking. The truth is, I've cared way too much and way too long about what other people think. I inconvenience myself on the littlest of things in order to make sure others are happy, appeased, or comfortable.

The root of this? I come from a long lineage of people-pleasing women....but also a long lineage of strong, badass, Idon'tgiveafuh women too. I'd like to tap into that a second list of qualities a little more. Secondly, I think we just all want to be loved and this plays out a little differently for everyone.

I don't know when I started noticing this, but occasionally I have the insight to see when it's happening and ask myself if this is a good choice. Or in my mind it sounds more like this, "why the fuck are you doing this?" I'd attribute this to learning about mindfulness...more on that later.

This is about so much more than caring about what others think. It's about being good with what I think about myself. About knowing I am loved and not searching for it in every damn corner of life. I heard the author of an interesting book I'm reading called Breaking Normal say, "the less I cared about what others thought, the more people were attracted to me." Yes. Did you ever notice that?

When I think about the people I look up to, they seem to have this ease with life. This way that they are so damn comfortable in their skin and would be happy for me to come along on their journey...or not. They don't care what I think.

I think about when I started my job a year ago. That incessant need to make sure my coworkers loved me right off the bat. Cracking jokes, making sure they new I was a team player, providing compliments whenever possible (I actually don't really want to give this up because everyone needs a little love.  If you see someone's light, tell them). I cared WAY too much about what they thought and I'm a little pissed that yet again, this seemed to be so important to me. Most people I think do enjoy working with me. Some I can see look at me with that watchful eye like, "why is she trying so hard."
But did this make me more successful at my job? Meh, probably not. I'm not saying I want to be mean, unfriendly or difficult to work with. I'm saying I want to do my work exceptionally and be kind to others without wanting anything in return. I don't want to want their "love."

So....if you see me shrug my shoulders occasionally or if I don't seem quite as intent on making sure our conversation is just right for you, you know what's going on. I'm in the middle of the work. I'll always be in the middle of the work in some form because I LOVE the work. This is my work right now.

Thanks for checking this out.  I'd love for you to come on my journey.....or not :).

Peace and love,

Leslie

P.S. A great book on this topic is, "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck"